Have you ever made a decision, either based on the known or with faith in the unknown, to trust, to embrace a decision, then live in that excitement and *BAM* something (someone) causes you to doubt, fear??
Not long ago, we were planning a night of homemade ice cream (yummy vanilla) when some sweet friends dropped by. During our catch up time (it had been too long) we shared with them (separately) our desires, fears, doubts about going on a mission trip. I, in the dining room, talked with my friend (she's the best listener I know---it was no accident that God sent her to my house that night) how I 'knew' God would provide for the trip that we were completely unprepared for. I just knew we were meant to answer the call! While seated in those hard antique straight back chairs, seriously bent over the table with elbows propped, I (in a low voice) shared my concern over missing the Lord's blessings if we (he--nodding toward the hubby who was being practical and safe...a quality I appreciate most times) weren't obedient to the call. I was trying my best not to beg, badger, or even talk to my man about this decision...knowing I wasn't his Holy Spirit.
My husband, comfortably reclined in the living room (feet surely propped up on the ottoman) with my friend's husband (who happens to be one of the best encouragers we know)...was able to share his doubts (and excitement). It's amazing how a man can have an objective conversation with another man, and all the subjective, emotional factors are absent. Yes, why hadn't I thought of having him talk this out with a guy? Because my God knows best and HE arranged it. I think I shared awhile back how our friends helped us walk through the process of trusting God and not the circumstances....but as those friends exited the front door....hubby turned to me and exclaimed "We're going!" I was elated; I knew we were meant to answer that call (I know I'm repeating myself here).
I was the believer here, trusting, knowing, waiting and then over the next couple of days...the enemy tried his best to discourage, plant doubt, rob joy, make me ask "What was I thinking?" and render me ineffective. I can't remember what tactics he used but I remember being overwhelmed, things were crazy on the home front, and then a rock flew into my driver's side window while out of town (it fell out the next day). I'm so glad I can't remember all the details...that is how the enemy works...he gets you turning in circles, confused, frustrated, inadequate. Oh yes, now I remember. I had missed the window to turn in my Continuing Education hours needed to maintain my license for Speech-Language Pathology. I was ready to run down and turn in my proof but everything had to be done electronically, computers, faxes, data entry, printing, etc. The lady, who tried to walk me through the process, did not understand my tearful state (neither did I). It was not pretty as we tried to communicate through the process. The enemy had succeeded in provoking feelings of complete inadequacy; I was blind (literally to the words on the screen before me), unfit, dumb, emotional, inept, you name it!!! I was tearful for days following my interaction with this woman, believing the lies of inadequacy. Which truthfully speaking, we are all inadequate in our own accord. 2 Corinthians 4:7 (New International Version)
One of those nights, I was scheduled to teach a Ladies Bible study....and it took all I had to push through it. I typically feel so inadequate when teaching anyway but it was definitely heightened that week. My sweet friends threatened to steal me away to the bathroom and pray over me. Oh yes, prayer. That's what I had missed for those days. Just the mention of it brought a peace. I called out but not in words that made any sense to human ears; I needed those who could pray for me like I was unable to in that slump. For them I am grateful!!
Their prayers immediately lifted me up. I had to pull it together and believe again. I was able in Him (Philippians 4:13) . I was under attack (Ephesians 6:12) . This was personal. Then came that broken window, which was an unexpected expense...my hubby would surely change his mind now. Back to the HOW of it all! How could we ever go on this trip when we have this broken window and no mission money.
I figured we'd have to plan, raise funds, ask, spread the word, put on His full armor (Ephesians 6:10-11) and TRUST! Blessed am I, that my hubby took it in stride, had the window fixed, and didn't look back. But what about ME, the one nights before sharing how I KNEW we were meant to answer the call! Could my belief be fading? Was I operating in defeat? Momentarily, maybe. But because I know my God and He knows me, I didn't remain in this pitiful place long (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I knew my God was going to reveal Himself, but when and how?
And then there was a knock on the door!
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